Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Everton (But Were Afraid to Ask)

Everton have accomplished a lot. Since its inception as a kickabout by parishioners of St Domingo Methodist Church in the late 1870s, the club has gathered more statistics and stories than a single book could certainly contain. But my new book, Everything You Wanted to Know About Everton (But Were Afraid to Ask), gives it a shot.

This miscellany (of sorts) contains pretty much all you could possibly need to know about our great club, the highs and lows, the ‘good days’, the Mike Walker era.

Here are a few extracts from the book to whet your appetite and perhaps generate enough revenue to keep me in biscuits for months…

Some Everton Quotes

‘Come on Everton, these are terrible,’ says one. A assertion made about the opposition that stretches from the bottom of the English pyramid to the pinnacle of the European elite.

‘Everton That’ – A lament for each moment in which Everton has managed to screw things up or suffered seemingly implausible, yet nonetheless foreseeable disaster. This can happen both on and off the field.

‘Here Comes Everton’ – Usually comes when the Blues are about to face a goal droughting striker or a side on a severe losing streak.

‘We’re dropping’ – Usually spoken approximately five games into the season when Everton falls into the bottom six. Most typically heard emanating from the mouths of elder Blues, those who are still suffering from PTSD caused by the 1990s.

‘Booooooooooo’ – Every team’s fans boo their players. Nobody boos like Evertonians do. Occasionally expanded to ‘F**king Boooooooooo’

1984-85 Title

had been waiting for this season for a long time. But also one that looked implausible at one point. The manager’s position was on the line following the miseries of the dreary mid-winter of 1983-84, with ‘Kendall out’ posters being printed and the Blues being booed off following dispiriting draws against the likes of Coventry City. His two-and-a-half seasons in command seemed to be coming to an end. Howard Kendall, on the other hand, had withstood the storm. And fortunately for Everton, he did.

As something seemed to click, the form began to improve. During the 1983-84 season, Everton climbed up the league and reached two finals, eventually winning the FA Cup, the club’s first piece of silverware since the 1970 League title.

Kendall’s men picked up where they left off in the following campaign. Decent shape quickly morphed into the imperious. The Blues surpassed Leicester City to take the lead in early November and never looked like relinquishing it. Kendall’s side surged through the season, dominating all who came before them, as a parade of pretenders tried to ride Everton’s coattails.

‘There was an air of invincibility about that side,’ captain Kevin Ratcliffe recalls. ‘We never went out on the field believing we were going to lose.’

Southall, alert, impregnable, and dominant, was the foundation upon which it was built. Ratcliffe, Mountfield, Stevens, and Van den Hauwe’s defense was quick and tenacious in front of him. Peter Reid’s aggressive personality complemented Paul Bracewell’s superb passing in the center of midfield. Sheedy and Steven offered endless firepower for the front line while also contributing vital goals. Sharp and Gray combined for one of the most effective and difficult-to-play-against-strike pairings Goodison has ever seen.

And that was just the beginning. Others who contributed included Adrian Heath, Kevin Richardson, and Alan Harper, particularly Heath, who scored 11 goals before suffering a catastrophic injury in December 1984.

‘We got along well on and off the field. That was significant. The dressing room was a nice place to hang out. So you had a bunch of players who wanted to fight for each other and for the shirt (including those who weren’t usually in the starting 11). And when you have that, mixed with quality, you are always in with a chance,’ recalls Graeme Sharp.

Everton would win the league with five games to spare in early May 1985, when they defeated QPR 2-0 at home. They finished the season with 90 points, 13 more than their nearest opponents Liverpool, from whom they won the title. It was a season for the ages, with the greatest Everton squad to grace the Goodison Park pitch cruising to the title.

Everton vs. Newcastle United – 21 January 2020 –

Five Recent ‘Everton That’ Moments

The game entered injury time following a rare comprehensive Everton performance that resulted in two goals and the complete neutralization of Newcastle. A victory appeared to be a foregone conclusion. So certain, in fact, that a chunk of the audience had left early. That’s when Everton chose to throw in the towel and concede in the 94th and 95th minutes, snatching a point from the jaws of victory.

The Origi Derby is scheduled for December 2, 2018.

The goal proved that there is something mystical going on when Everton plays Liverpool at Anfield. Van Dijk’s meaningless lump of a ball into the box in the final seconds, which Pickford parried onto the bar, defied logic and the laws of physics to settle at the head of the ‘Reds**te Niasse’. Everton is defeated 1-0.

Josh King – October 23, 2021

After six months of scarcely appearing, much alone scoring, for Everton, a fired-up Josh King goes on the Goodison pitch to score a hat-trick for his new team Watford. He ended up playing an important role in a game in which Everton blew a 2-1 lead to lose 5-2, with four of those goals coming from him.

Usmanov

Everton decides to abandon their morality and feast at the Devil’s table after years of Russian money infecting British football and society. The club begins taking Alisher Usmanov’s Oligarch rouble through his helpful stooge and bezzy pal, Farhad Moshiri. But, more importantly, Everton do so as the good times come to an end. The war in Ukraine imposes sanctions on Uzbek-Russian investors in the club, unraveling Moshiri/Usmanov’s financial plans and plunging the Blues in an FFP black hole.

5 March 2016 – West Ham Shit Show

During the last months of Martinez’s tenure, fans realized that no amount of the manager’s good vibes could cover up the profound cracks that had formed, particularly defensively. West Ham United visited Goodison Park in March 2016. Everton took the lead early on and led 2-0. They should’ve put the game to bed with a penalty near the 70-minute mark. But that’s when things started to fall apart. First, Lukaku failed to convert a penalty. Second, Martinez chose to bring in Oumar Niasse to help stabilize things. Third, West Ham scored three goals in the final 12 minutes to earn the victory. Phenomenal.

Dixie, one of Everton’s mascots

When Peter Johnson took over as chairman in the mid-1990s, it was decided that Everton, a club whose commercial arm was operated with the same zeal as a charity store in a declining coastal town, needed to be dragged into the contemporary era of football. A new mascot was created as part of this change. Dixie, a gigantic foam guy, was the end result. If the goal was to tap into the game’s burgeoning family market, the design choice was intriguing. Dixie resembled a homunculus Nicky Tilsley (Coronation Street circa 1981), possessed with soulless black eyes, a rictus grin, and an overall energy best characterized as stabby. He wasn’t around for long.

Changy the Elephant is a fictional character.

Changy the Elephant arrived at Goodison Park as part of Everton’s sponsorship deal with Chang Beer in 2004. Whether or not having a mascot with a massive trunk and a moniker connected with cocaine was a good choice when targeting the all-important family market didn’t appear to hurt his appeal. Changy became a popular addition to the Goodison Park backdrop among both young and old fans. It undoubtedly helped that he had two faces, one happy and one angry, the former better suited to the kids and the latter to the ordinary adult Evertonian’s match-day experience.

Mr. Testicle’s

A particular mention goes to a transitory figure who graced Goodison Park during the Moyes period. Mr Testicle was a big pair of bollocks with a pleasant face who was introduced to support the Male Cancer Awareness Campaign. Imagine Ian Dowie on a bender, and you’ll get the gist. Mr Testicle shot to fame in 2010 after John Terry refused to be photographed with him after Chelsea’s game at Goodison Park, presumably because two cocks in one photo would be too much for the public to bear.